April 24, 2005

Where have all the heroes gone?

Movie Review time.

The Punisher: I don't think anyone liked this movie, with "newcomer" Thomas Jane as Frank Castle, better known as The Punisher and John Travolta as some semi-madman villain, who really was just a whipped overprotective pussy. But that last bit doesn't matter much, so is Castle. My sister's point was probably the most important - where are the bodies?? After Travolta's son gets killed in a drug-bust (involving an undercover castle) gone wrong, he decides to send his vinidictive cronies (inc. his other less magnetic-to-bullets son) to kill Castle's entire family. How you might think, oh, his wife an kids: No. Castle has just retired and is in Puerto Rico orv somewhere with his entire family, for a reunion, aunts, uncles, parents, cousins etc. etc. Overall almost 30 people - so vindictive conies have a lot of fun chewing up unarmed civies with uzis. But do you see bodies, no. You see maybe two dummies die, Castle's mother's corpse, and his wife and child (dummies) after they've been run over in supposed-to-be dramatic car chase (let's take the car with the boat trailer attached to get away from the gang of homicidal maniacs).

Presumably violence/corpses were edited out to get it with an M rating to let teenagers to see it. But the thing is, The Punisher is not a kids comic. It was gorey. The Punisher was almost as "shoot first" as Judge Dredd. Bad guy = your body full of lead. He didn't plot and scheme too much - another sour point about this movie -- to much plotting and schemeing. He tricks Travolta into killing people for him, The Punisher wouldn't do that, he'd kill them himself, he's The Punisher, not the "I'll make you the Punisher for me". Punisher goes around and shoots people who do wrong, to other people, not to him. And then maybe he winges about how draining being a killing machine is. Hopefully this 1989 film is better? It wouldn't be hard, I dare suggest that Archie Meets the Punisher would be better.
I haven't read too many Punisher comics, the one which strikes in my mind was a Deadlocke/Punisher cross. It was a very good idea (compared to Punisher goes to Riverdale, great idea). Deadlocke is a reanimated corpse made android for the secret killing political enemies, but the man inside managed to get some control back -- he's a killing machine with heart of a human. The Punisher is a human with the heart of a killing machine. Marvel is so Zen at times.

Daredevil: After just being annoyed at the idea that somehow biological waste in the eyes makes your senses improve (but Peter Parker being bitten by a spider makes perfect sense to me) I got given another shitty hero movie. And I'm going to have to pay late fees for it. Daredevil was a nice guy. I have a feeling that Punisher/Daredevil movies somehow mixed up the personas. I could see the Punisher chasing some guy into an apartment beating the crap out of him, and then noticing that there's a kid huddled in the corner and spitting out "I'm not the bad guy here, now get lost kid, grrrr" and then a bit of grumbling about how hard it is to kill parents in front of children. Daredevil is supposed to be Mr. Supersense, he can hear a mugging on the otherside of town, but can't here a kid two feet away. Bullseye was probably the best thing in it. And he's just some freakish homicidal sociopath, how does he just walk away after killing that old guy in a pub in ront of witnesses, nobody notices that grandma is dead on the plane, and he asks for a costume - what is it? A flowy jacket, that is not a costume. But he does have pretty cool tricks up his sleeves.

The Shadow is the best superhero movie. Followed by X-Men and Spiderman (yes Parker's a wimp and a geek and oh-so-emo, but he's meant to be, they're the right flaws), and I'll even put most of the Batman movies in front of Daredevil and Punisher (but not The Phantom - all they got right was the suit, and purple spandex was never going to look good)

According to Wikipedia there's a Ghost Rider movie lined up with Nicolas Cage, lets hope they don't balls that up.

PS - "I'm wearing boots of escaping"

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